When Life Gives You Lemons
by Peaceful Sunrise
Summary: When our esteemed Headmaster and a few of his fellow professors come to visit a convicted murderer in Azkaban, they find more than a few surprises and learn some very valuable things. A very unique Harry-in-Azkaban fic. Rated K , with a little bit of censored language.


**Ok, I know I'm bad for writing this when I should be concentrating on "The NOT Triwizard Tournament", but this popped into my head last night, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I knew if I didn't write it down, I wouldn't be able to think of anything else. It was originally supposed to be far shorter and funnier, but it just flowed, and I was fortunate to have almost uninterrupted time to work on this. Sorry if there are a few mistakes and inconsistancies: it was 11 at night when I finished this, so I was really tired and not very concerned with details.**

**On a side note that is in no way relevant to this story, so if you don't want to waste your time with a Starkid fangirl, skip this part, AVPSY IS BEING PERFORMED AT LEAKYCON! I mean, yeah I can't go because I live in Canada, but YES YES YES! They won't leave 99% of their fans hanging. They'll post it on YouTube. So what if it's a staged reading? IT'S AVPSY. WE'RE GOING BACK TO HOGWARTS. Yeah, so I'm posting a story in celebration of this joyous day.**

**Disclaimer:**

**Sirius: Did you like question ten, Peaceful?**

**Me: Loved it. Name five signs that identify a fanfiction author who does not own Harry Potter, Warner Brothers, the Chipmunks, or any Starkid references that may appear in her story.**

**James: Do you think you managed to get all the signs?**

**Me: Think I did. One, she's sitting in my chair, two, she's wearing my clothes, three, she goes by Peaceful Sunrise on .**

**Marauders+Me: Peaceful Sunrise doesn't own Harry Potter! And don't forget to read and review!**

* * *

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Albus Dumbledore stepped onto the bare rock of the island that hosted Azkaban prison. He turned to help Minerva out of the rickety boat that had brought them here, and together, they awaited Severus and the two accompanying Aurors as they climbed onto shore. When the last Auror was off the boat, they began the steep uphill climb to the dreary grey prison.

They received their visitor badges from the tired looking warden, and proceeded to the high security wing. On their way, they passed many cells full of petty criminals, all of whom looked miserable and defeated. Albus mentally shuddered. He himself had no love of Dementors, and he could only imagine what it must be like to be around the creatures all the time.

"Don't see what point there is in all this, Headmaster." one of the Aurors grunted "Been exposed to Dementors 24/7 he has."

Minerva shivered, and wrapped her cloak tighter about herself.

"'ere we are, guv." the other Auror said, stopping at last in front of a heavily padlocked wooden door at the very end of a long, dim corridor. He raised a fist and banged on the door "Oi! Potter! You got visitors!"

Albus heard the sound of someone scrambling up, and seconds later, the face of twenty one year old Harry Potter appeared from behind the bars, looking haggard and old.

"Murderer." the same Auror sneered, and spat on the ground. Harry just stared listlessly at him.

"We'll give you lot some privacy." the other Auror said "Shout if you need help." The two Aurors sniggered at something.

As soon as the two Aurors were out of sight, a loud whistle sounded from the end of the corridor. The effect was instantaneous. Harry lost the dull look on his face, replacing it with a familiar cocky grin and sparkling, mischievous green eyes that glimmered with life. There was something different about him though, and Albus couldn't place it.

"Coast clear!" he said loudly, and a flurry of activity sounded in the cells around them. Faces appeared at the bars, chatting and curious. To Albus' shock, he saw that everyone there was supposed to be dead.

"Ms. Granger?" Minerva gasped at the faces in the cells "Mr. Longbottom?"

"Don't forget about me!" came the slightly disgruntled voice of Ronald Weasley from a cell further down.

"Don't worry, Ronald." said the dreamy voice of Luna Lovegood from the cell opposite Hermione "No one's forgetting you."

"Don't mind our idiot brother." one of the Weasley twins said.

"Yeah, he's just jealous that he's not the center of attention." the other one finished.

"You're all supposed to be dead!" Minerva blustered.

"Yes, curious how that works, isn't it?" said a voice from behind Albus, and he turned to see Remus Lupin peering casually at the scene from behind the bars "I once knew a rat that was supposed to be dead too, but as it turned out, he was alive and running free whilst an innocent man sat in Azkaban for his crimes."

"Well the situation's not really the same, love." said a new voice a few cells down, the voice of Nymphadora Tonks "I mean, yeah there's a whole wack of innocent people in prison, at least one of them falsely accused of a crime someone else did, but here, it's supposed to be the people in prison who're dead, d'you get what I mean?"

"I reckon he's about the only one who does, and even if he doesn't, he won't say otherwise." Harry said with a snigger.

"And just what is that supposed to mean, young man?" Nymphadora demanded mock angrily.

"Oh nothing, nothing at all." Harry whistled innocently.

"What is all this, Potter?" Severus snapped "I know you're behind all this somehow, just like you were behind the murder of that Hufflepuff brat."

"Hey!" several furious voices called out.

"Sally-Ann wasn't a brat!" Susan Bones said angrily.

"She was my friend!" Hannah Abbott glared.

"Bugger off and shut up, why don't you, Snape?" Ernie Macmillan sneered, very uncharacteristically.

"Now now, you can't really blame him for this." Harry said admonishingly "Don't you know? Our friend here suffers from a great number of illnesses, including inability-to-keep-foot-out-of-mouth-itis, unpleasantness-osis, and let's not forget the greasy hair syndrome."

"POTTER!" Severus roared.

"Potter, that was very rude to Professor Snape!" Minerva said, having regained some of her composure.

"Do be quiet, Minnie darling." Harry said, yawning "Spare us the I-expected-better-of-you speech. We've all heard it a million times."

Albus quickly decided to intervene, as both Minerva and Severus were growing quite red in the face.

"Why don't you tell us how all of this is possible?" Albus said "As far as the world knows, everyone here is supposed to be dead."

"It's very simple, really." Hermione said "All of us protested Harry getting put in Azkaban for something he didn't do. The Ministry knew who we were, and decided to chuck the lot of us in Azkaban after faking our deaths. Can't make the public think we're telling the truth by publicly arresting use. Much easier if we just disappear. Gone, like that, and our families Obliviated."

"Of course, we didn't all disappear at the same time." Luna said "That would have been far too obvious. No, they started with the most easiest to secretly arrest and convict."

"Me, of course." Remus said "It didn't take a lot. I think apart from Harry, I had the most public trial, if you can call half the Wizengamot public. Anyhow, every Wizengamot member there was a Death Eater or Voldemort supporter, and they had no problems whatsoever throwing a werewolf in Azkaban, especially one who had known Harry Potter."

"On what charge?" Minerva demanded.

"Apparently, I committed crimes on the orders of Harry Potter during full moons." Remus smiled thinly "And as the whole thing, starting with the arrest and ending with me arriving here took less than three hours, you can imagine how quick they convicted me. Took all of twenty minutes, just long enough for the charges to be read, and there to be a vote. Then they used some of my DNA to create a magical clone, shot a few spells at it to make it look realistic, then told everyone I had 'attacked Ministry officials'"

"Yep, so he was the first to join my merry little party here." Harry said brightly "I was getting quite lonesome, so I personally didn't mind."

"We were next." Hermione said "Ron, Neville, Luna and I. We were the most vocal of Harry's supporters, as I'm sure you well know, so they just made it seem like we disappeared during a Death Eater attack on Hogsmeade. Since everyone knows that people captured by Death Eaters almost never survive, we were quickly believed dead, or so the others tell me. Do you know, they Obvliated my parents. After all, their link to the magical world was supposedly dead, so as Muggles, they weren't supposed to know anything, and therefore the Ministry 'followed standard procedure'. That idiot of an Auror, Dawlish, seemed to take great pleasure in telling me that."

"Yeah, before you scratched half his face off." Neville grinned.

"Details, details." Hermione said airily.

"After they went, it was all of us." said the voice of Seamus Finnegan somewhere further down the hall "We were mad, of course, we being the DA, minus a few gits. Quite a few of us wanted to take the Ministry head on."

"Including you." Susan Bones said "But cooler heads prevailed. We did our protest, which I'm sure you know about."

"You camped out in the middle of Diagon Alley and refused to leave." Albus said.

"Yeah, probably not the wisest thing to do." Dean Thomas said sheepishly beside Seamus "They came in the middle of the night and arrested the lot of us for public disturbance and what not. We were whisked away to this place, and an Auror bloke, although I think he was a Death Eater, told us there would be an unfortunate attack on Diagon Alley that night, and that all the students there would be sadly murdered by the Death Eaters."

"It was the one time the Ministry actually did something useful in the war." Hermione said "They took low level Death Eaters that they had, Polyjuiced them to look like us, then left them out for the other Death Eaters to kill."

"Ginny was lucky that Mum and Dad locked her in her room without a wand, and sealed all the windows." one of the Weasley twins said "She wanted to come, but Mum and Dad already objected to us going, and it was just because we were already of age that we managed to go. Otherwise, Ginny would've been arrested with us."

"The only reason why they bothered to go through this whole scam thing is because they were too much of a coward to actually kill a bunch of students, at least, the Ministry bureaucrats were, so I suppose we have to thank the incompetents for something." Neville snorted.

"Impossible." Snape sneered "As incompetent as the Auror force is, surely we would have known about this plot."

"That's where you're wrong, Snapey." Nymphadora said "I'm in here because I found out about the plot, and was stupid enough to tell the Minister that. It was alright, until I started going on about how Harry here was innocent. Then they tossed me in here. But I only found out because I happened to be in the Auror office late one night, and they had their conversation right where I could over hear them. Believe me, they know Kingsley is on your side, so they don't tell him anything."

Albus wilted a little at that.

"You are all even bigger idiots than I made you out to be." Severus said "You're all deluding yourself if you think Potter is innocent. There were eyewitnesses who all saw him murder the girl."

"Yes, and every single one of those eyewitnesses were children of known Death Eaters." Hermione said "Malfoy, Nott, Parkinson, Crabbe, Goyle."

"He was found at the scene of the crime-" Severus began.

"Malfoy knew Harry would be passing that way, that's why he chose that place to torture Sally-Ann." Hermione said "Did he mean to kill her? Probably not. He probably just wanted to frame Harry for torturing a student. He got much more than that when she died because of overexposure to the Cruciatus."

"Sally-Ann was always very fragile." Susan Bones said sadly.

"The tosser Stunned me when I came in after hearing her screams." Harry said "By then, it was too late for her."

"Preposterous!" Severus said "Just as much of an attention seeking liar and bully as your father."

"Oh shut up, Sour Grapes Snape." Remus said sourly "Your vendetta's with James and us, not with Harry. Give it up already! You're just making yourself look stupid."

"That's absurd!" Severus said.

"You're absurd!"

Severus froze, and glared at him.

"Say that to my face." he said slowly, in a deadly voice.

"You're absurd!" Remus repeated.

"That's absurd-" Severus began.

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Nymphadora said "My husband's acting like a little kid again. Anyone? A little help here?"

"Your husband?" Albus and Minerva choked simultaneously. Severus just stared.

"Yes, my husband." Nymphadora said "Who's currently acting with all the maturity of a five year old."

"I wasn't aware that you were married." Albus said, trying to figure out exactly how all this had happened.

"Well, we are." Nymphadora smiled happily "It was a wonderful ceremony."

"That it was." Luna said dreamily "Lavender and Parvati did quite a good job on your dress."

"Thanks Luna!" called out Lavender Brown from somewhere.

"You're not telling me you got married in _here_?" Minerva asked, looking shocked.

"Well, where else?" Nymphadora asked "It's not like we were going to pop out to the mainland and find a little church there."

"But _how_?" Minerva pressed "You can't even get out of your cells, and if you could, there's no one to marry you!"

"Well, I'd have to disagree with that." Remus said "Otherwise, how would we be married, hmm?"

Minerva opened her mouth, probably to argue some more, but then a cold chill hit them. Albus drew his wand nervously. The Aurors knew to keep the Dementors away when there were visitors, so what where they doing here? Sure enough, three black hooded figures glided into the corridor.

"Yakko! Makko! Dot!" called the voice of young Colin Creevey. Harry's face lit up.

"Excellent, they've come to join our little party!" he said.

"Nice to see you three!" Justin Finch-Fletchley said cheerfully, and the hallway rang with welcomes. The Dementors seemed to nod in their directions.

"What on earth is this all about?" Severus blustered, brandishing his wand.

"Put your wand away, Snapey." Harry said casually "Our friends are very nice, if you don't provoke them."

"Potter, this is ridiculous!" Minerva said "They're Dementors! They're evil creatures!"

"Don't be absurd!" Harry said "They're very nice but misunderstood creatures! They don't really want to eat our souls all the time. I mean yeah, they don't mind a soul every now and then, but haven't you ever heard the phrase 'too much of a good thing'? To them, souls are like a very delicious dessert, but if they eat too many, it's bad for them. Besides, they don't much like innocent souls. They prefer guilty ones."

"What about all this Kissed Muggles?" Minerva demanded "They were innocent and defenceless!"

The Dementor in front made a serious of odd noises that sounded like it was a chicken with something rattling in it's beak.

"He says that those were the bad ones, who used to follow Pincer." Luna said seriously "They just want to eat souls, no matter innocent or not, so the Ministry uses them the most to Kiss people. Unfortunately, this leads to a big misunderstanding that Dementors will Kiss anyone. Really, most Dementors prefer to keep to themselves."

"Pincer?" Albus asked.

"Yes, he was this bad Dementor who was killed a while ago." Luna said "He wasn't at all like the other Dementors. He was rather like Lord Voldemort. He didn't care about anyone except himself. He got a bunch of other Dementors who didn't care what type of souls they sucked out to follow him. There was actually a war between the other Dementors and him, until he was accidentally killed by Harry."

"It turns out he was one of the Dementors who tried to Kiss Sirius." Harry said "When I used my Patronus, it rushed straight at him first, and apparently it was too much for him, and he just vanished out of existence. That's what got me brownie points with the Dementors here."

The lead Dementor made a few of the same odd noises again.

"Yakko says that when he heard that the slayer of Pincer had been wrongly imprisoned here, he knew he had to help. He and the other Dementors knew that they couldn't let him leave, because then the Ministry would immediately hunt him down and kill him, but they could make life more bearable here." Luna said, apparently able to understand the rattles.

"Yeah, it turns out that Dementors don't always need to bring that feeling of despair wherever they go." Harry said "If they wish, they can repress it so that all you get is a little chilly. So first they clamped down on that, since they knew I reacted particularly bad to that. Then, when other people started coming, they were a bit lax, shall we say, in making sure all the doors were locked."

"It was wonderful to actually have a conversation face to face with someone." Hermione said "And there's really quite a lot to Dementor culture. Did you know that Dementors always have three offspring at a time, no more, no less? And that for their first year of life, they must be coddled and taken care of by their parents? It's crucial in their development."

"Yeah, they're great." Ron said "Luna's even learned their language, and she's teaching it to us too."

Albus could only stare.

"It was Yakko who married us." Nymphadora said brightly "He's the Chief of the Dementors, you see, and in Dementor culture, that gives him the right to marry couples. It was a great wedding. Everyone contributed something, and we discovered hidden talents among some of our members."

"Yeah, like ickle Ronniekins can actually go for a whole hour without putting his foot in his mouth." one of the Weasley twins said.

"Hey!" Ron protested.

"Well, I learned that I am very proficient in the art of baking." Ernie Macmillan said in a pompous tone.

"Yeah, and we discovered that we don't just know a lot about clothes, we're great at making them." Lavender Brown said, gesturing to herself and Parvati Patil.

"I took lots of pictures!" piped up Colin Creevey.

"We know." everyone groaned.

"Where'd you even get all the materials?" Minerva asked challenging "I hardly think a few Dementors could just head over to Diagon Alley and buy everything you need."

"That's where a very good friend of ours comes in." Harry said, beaming "Dobby!"

A loud crack sounded, and a familiar house elf appeared, wearing lots of clothing.

"Hellos, Master Harry!" the elf beamed.

"Like I said Dobby, it's just Harry." Harry shook his head fondly "How're Winky and the elflets doing?"

"They is doing wonderful!" Dobby said, bouncing up and down "They is almost ready to have be named!"

"That's great, Dobby!" Hermione said.

"Thank you, Harry Potter's Ms. Grangey!" Dobby said "But Dobby must be getting back now. Winky is being very tired looking after elflets on her own."

"You can go, Dobby!" Harry said "Tell Winky we send her our regards!"

"Dobby will do that, Harry Potter!" Dobby bowed, and Disapparated with a crack.

"The elflets are almost ready to be named?" Hannah Abbot squealed "That's great!"

"Dobby and Winky are wonderful parents." Harry smiled "Dobby's great. He's been helping us since Day One, helping us make our cells more comfy, getting supplies like food and stuff."

Albus caught a glimpse of the room in which Harry was standing. It looked grey, but then he refocused his eyes to see past the Glamour, and could see a room decorated in Gryffindor colours, obviously enlarged, with lots of furniture that was most definitely not part of the normal Azkaban decor.

"So what're you here for?" Harry asked, stretching "You're obviously not here to free any of us. Did you just want a chat?"

"No." Albus admitted "It has to do with Voldemort."

"Oh." Harry yawned "That bloody tosser?"

"Language!" Hermione and the other women reprimanded.

"Yes, Lord Voldemort." Albus said, ignoring Minerva and Severus' flinches. Surprisingly, none of the prisoners so much as blinked when they heard the name "We-"

"Let me guess." Harry said "You're losing the war because the Ministry was basically taken over by Death Eaters years ago, the only people still really fighting against the Dark Dork are in your little Order, which since losing Mad-Eye Moody, has been severely losing the war?"

"How'd you know that Alastor was dead?" Minerva asked sharply. Harry tapped his scar.

"Voldemort was particularly happy that night." he said.

"So you've still been getting flashes of Voldemort's mood. Good, good." Albus said "We need your help."

"Wait." Hermione said suddenly "Don't say another word. You want Harry to spy on Voldemort's mind for you, because he isn't confiding in Snape anymore, so you need to know of his plans. However, you are not willing to give Harry anything in return, because you still think he's a dangerous murderer, and he owes it to you to help you. Do I have the general gist of it?"

Albus nodded somewhat guiltily, and a bit perturbed that she had managed to read his mind like that.

"Figures." Harry snorted "Well, can't help you there."

"But Harry, you must!" Albus said "Innocent people are being slaughtered every day because of Voldemort! Do you want to go to sleep at night, knowing that you could have stopped their deaths?"

"Ah, the guilty conscience card." Harry said theatrically "Nope, I really can't help you."

"Arrogant as ever, Potter." Severus sneered "Wanting everyone to come crawling to you, begging for your worthless help."

"You know what Snape?" Harry took a deep breath "Just shut up. I'm not interested in your little feud with my dad right now. Actually, I don't reckon I'll ever be interested in it, so just shut up and stay the hell away from me."

"You-" Severus' face purpled as he was abruptly Silenced. Albus turned to Minerva, but she had not drawn her wand. He looked around the faces everywhere, all of which were displaying mischievous glee, and one more so than others.

"Was that really necessary, Remus?" Albus asked disapprovingly.

"I got tired of his blathering." Remus shrugged "I've said it before, Snape, and I'll say it again. You always have been, and you always will be, a butt trumpet. And you know, eventually everyone gets tired of a butt trumpet, and wishes they would just shut up."

"Yes, that's enough dear." Nymphadora said. Albus turned back to Harry.

"Why won't you help?"

"Couldn't if I wanted to." Harry shrugged.

"What do you mean?" Albus asked.

"I mean that the connection's no longer there." Harry said "Gone. Kapoof."

"What?" Albus stared, aghast. This ruined all his plans.

"The Dementors noticed that I had this Dark thing attached to my soul." Harry explained "One of them had once met our resident Dark Lord and his snakey pal, and sensed that the snake had the same thing on its soul, and that it had come from said resident Dark Lord's soul. They told me about it through Luna, and we all agreed in an overwhelming majority that having something from Voldemoron on my soul was not very good both on the long and short term basis. So one of the Dementors, Veato, offered to suck it out through my scar. It hurt like hell, I won't deny, but now I'm completely one hundred percent free of any Dark stuff from the Dork Lord."

"Which makes us all very happy too." Seamus Finnegan said "Before that, he was waking us all up in the middle of the night, screaming and what not. Now all of us have enjoyed nice peaceful nights for about four whole years."

"And the scar's even fading." Harry said, lifting his bangs to reveal a very faint lightning scar.

"But...but..." Albus was speechless "What about the prophecy? Harry, you are the one destined to bring down Voldemort!"

"Oh, am I?" Harry frowned "Sorry, no can do. You see, ol' Voldie and I made a deal, just before Veato sucked that Dark thing. I went into his head for a change, and I made a deal with him. He doesn't bug me and my friends here, and I won't bug him and his pals. We even took a magical oath saying as much."

Albus was horrified. He'd never imagined that Harry would use the now gone connection in that way, nor that he would swear an oath not to harm Voldemort.

"Harry." he whispered "Do you realize what you've done?"

"Yes." Harry said "I've ensured that my friends and I are safe from him."

"But what about everyone else?" Albus said "What about the wizarding world?"

"To be frank with you, I don't give a Knut for the wizarding world." Harry said "They've abandoned me, disgraced and humiliated me, falsely accused me, treated me like dirt, and then expect me to forget all that and save their sorry a-"

"Language." Hermione reprimanded half heartedly.

"The wizarding world can go hang themselves." Harry said.

"But what about the families of your friends?" Albus asked, grasping at straws "They're not safe!"

"They've made their decision." Ron said coldly "For those of us with Muggle families who haven't been Obliviated, they've been moved to safe houses by Dobby. Same goes for those whose families still cared about what was right. For those we couldn't fit into safe houses, we've warned them and they've moved. I think Bill's gone to France with Fleur, last I heard, and they're raising their family there. Charlie's moving back to Romania, for good. Mum and Dad have taken Ginny and left for the Americas. Everyone has been warned, and if they've ignored that warning, then it's on their own heads."

"What about the Muggles, and the new Muggleborns?" Albus pleaded "There's no one to tell them."

"You've been blind, haven't you?" Hermione said disbelievingly "Haven't you noticed that out of all the Muggleborns you've contacted, none of them have actually arrived at Hogwarts?"

Albus opened his mouth to disagree, and then shut it when he realized that the number of students in each new year were smaller than ever.

"They've been warned, their families." Luna said "It was Hermione's idea, really. We got Dobby to make a copy of The Register, and we've sent him to contact the Muggleborn families after they've been told of Hogwarts. Would you believe that each and every family, when they heard of the war, decided to send their children to other schools instead? Hogwarts is not the only magical school in Britain, just the largest and most well known."

Albus felt like bits of him were being chiseled off. The Chosen One, the only one who could defeat Voldemort could not and would not do it.

"But don't you want to continue your education?" Albus tried "You need your education. If you fight Voldemort, I'm sure the Ministry will make an exception-"

"Haven't you heard?" Harry said "The Ministry is being controlled by Baldemort. And besides, who needs a bunch of sub standard teachers when we've got the brightest witch of our generation with us? I mean, Hermione was ready to take her NEWTs in fifth year, and she'd probably pass with all O's!"

"You need proper teachers." Albus said "And that was very rude to call the professors at Hogwarts sub standard."

"It's true." Dean Thomas called out "There was Quirrel. Man, that bloke was barmy, and so dead annoying with that stutter of his! Not to mention his turban stank to high heavens, and he was afraid of talking about his own subject!"

"Lockhart was a fail." Ron snorted "The blond ponce didn't even know which end of the wand to hold, much less teach."

"Shall we even get started on Umbridge?" Lee Jordan groaned.

"And then there's Trelawney, who's as big a fraud I've ever seen." Hermione said.

"And no offence to Hagrid, but he's unprepared to teach. You just dumped the job on him during the summer, and he doesn't even have a proper wand. He knows his stuff, and we all love him, but he has no clue how to teach it to school aged children." Harry said "But we still all love Hagrid. He's probably happy with his creatures now: we've arranged for him to visit a rare creatures reserve in France."

"Of course, if we were to list all the complaints about Snape, we'd be here until the apocalypse." Seamus said, to great approval from everyone else.

"And now let's talk about the teachers who can actually teach their students." Harry said "I think you'll find you've got a very big problem on your hands."

"Professor Flitwick is a wonderful teacher." Luna said in her sing song voice "But he's rather a bit excitable sometimes, and he's not always in touch with what's going on. When he gets excited about something, he doesn't really pay that much attention to the other things around him, which can lead to some problems."

"Professor Sprout is nice." Hannah Abbot said "She always makes time for each and every one of us, and is always there to comfort you. We can all agree that she at least is a good teacher who knows her subject and her students."

"That's three Heads of House done with." Harry said "Now, onto the last one. Everyone, have your earplugs ready because a certain Transfiguration professor is going to start yelling very soon."

"You know your subject really well." Hermione said "But you're doing too much. Last I heard, you were a professor, Head of House, and Deputy Headmistress. Did you know that all the other Houses have House meetings once a month? I didn't know that, and neither did any of the Gryffindors, because the only House meetings we've ever had are the occasional ones in times of trouble, or if the prefects or Head Boy or Girl want to say something."

"Also, you're really unapproachable, unless it's your favourite student." Remus said "Everyone was so afraid of you that they didn't dare come tell you anything. They'd rather go to a prefect, or deal with it themselves, instead of risking your wrath or unbelief. Because I've seen you dismiss students who come to you with serious matters as just over exaggerating children. Like that time Sirius told you that he got hit sometimes at home. You just dismissed it as him whining over punishment for misbehaving, since he was already a known mischief maker. In fact, the only students you really listened to were James and Lily."

"You ignored me in first year about the Philosopher's Stone, and when we tried to tell you about why we were breaking curfew, you dismissed us as liars, and took away an excessive amount of points." Harry said "And when Umbridge was giving detentions with her Blood Quill, you told me stop drawing attention to myself, but you never did anything about the detentions. Did you know that when students heard you weren't doing anything to stop Umbridge, they stopped coming to you because they were afraid?"

"Yeah!" Lee Jordan said "I've still got the marks!"

He lifted a hand to the bars, and Albus saw words etched onto the back of his hand. He was horrified.

"And how about you, Headmaster?" Harry said quietly "If we were to say everything that you've been doing wrong, we'd still be going until time runs out."

"That's quite enough!" Minerva said sharply "Yes, we teachers may not be perfect. We may be the farthest thing from perfect there is. Because we're still human, just like the rest of you. We've all made mistakes. All of you have too. So stop picking on us."

"Alright, I understand." Harry held up his hands "Just making it clear why we don't need or want to return to Hogwarts. Besides, if your concern is that we don't have any proper teachers here, I think you're forgetting that among our number is the best and most popular Defence teacher we've ever had, and we've been learning loads, not just Defence."

"How can you learn without your wands?" Minerva asked "You still need a wand."

"No we don't." Hermione said "We've been learning wandless magic. It's quite easy, really. It's a popular misconception that only powerful wizards can do wandless magic, because basically every single witch and wizard has done it before in their lives, only they call it accidental magic. At eleven, when they head off to school, they get their wand, and it becomes their crutch, the easy way. It's easier to focus your magic through something than just let it come naturally."

"What we've been learning is how to do it without wands." Ron said proudly "And we're all pretty darn good at it now."

"Besides," Neville said with a grin that definitely came from his father, Frank Longbottom "What's the point of us getting an education, if we're going to be locked up in Azkaban for the rest of our lives? We don't need a job, so NEWTs are worthless. We're just learning because we want to, and because Hermione and the girls will slaughter us alive if we don't."

"Hey!" several of the women protested, the most vocal being Hermione.

"But do you really want to spend the rest of your lives here?" Albus said, trying his last card "Is it because you're afraid to leave?"

"Nope." Harry said nonchalantly "It's that we've got everything we want or need. We have food, clothing, shelter, friends, and already a small family, although we're going to get quite a few more, what with all the weddings coming up."

"Weddings?" Albus choked "Family?"

"Yes, silly me, how could I have forgotten?" Harry said, shaking his head "In about a month's time, Hermione and I are tying the knot. Then a week after us is Neville and Luna, followed by Seamus and Lavender. Ernie and Hannah are about two weeks after them. Whew, that's a lot of celebration, if you include that Dobby and Winky's children are getting named soon. I rather pity Dobby's son. I've got a feeling that he's going to go for something like Harry..."

"Prat." Hermione said affectionately.

"And oh yes, you wanted to know about our little family!" Harry grinned "Tonks, why don't you show off Teddy to our esteemed professors?"

"Sure!" Nymphadora beamed. She turned back into her cell, and there was the sound of a young child before Tonks came back, holding up a young boy of about three years old. All the women cooed, and Remus got a sappy look on his face. The boy giggled, and changed his hair to a bright turquoise.

"But that's impossible!" Minerva said faintly "Babies die around Dementors!"

"Yes, but that's because their young minds are not strong enough to handle the depression and fear that Dementors usually bring. With us, that wasn't a problem." Nymphadora said "Like Luna said, Dementors can repress their aura of big bad scariness if they want to, and besides, Dementors cherish their young. Not many of their offspring survive to adulthood, so every child is a blessing to them. When they found out I had a baby, well, they made sure to especially clamp down on their fear thing. They've been really nice to Teddy here. He really enjoys playing with them."

"Playing with Dementors?" Minerva said even more faintly.

"Yeah, Dementors love to play all types of stuff." Seamus grinned "You should see the weekly Saturday Night Poker Tournaments. It's poker like you've never played it before."

The lead Dementor rasped something.

"Yakko says that contrary to what wizards think, Dementors do like a fun time, especially a party." Luna said, smiling at the Dementors.

The two Dementors beside 'Yakko' bobbed their heads up and down, and 'said' something.

"Makko and Dot agree, but they say that their idiot birthmate is understating it. They say they _love _a party."

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Severus suddenly burst out, having somehow removed his Silencing charm "This is all a load of dung, and you're all insane! Dementors are incapable of anything but evil! They're just tools that wizards use for their own means!"

The temperature dropped about forty degrees. Nymphadora immediately retreated into her cell, her son clasped tightly in her arms. The Dementors advanced upon Severus, drawing deep, rattling breaths. Severus drew his wand.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" he shouted, and a silver doe sprang from his wand. It charged at the smallest Dementor, and it fell back, hissing in what sounded to be pain. The other two Dementors seemed to grow in anger. The slightly smaller one let out a horrible screech that Albus didn't know they were capable of producing, which sent shivers running down every inch of his body, and froze him in place.

He soon found out what that screech was for. Within minutes, a whole crowd of Dementors had appeared in the hallway. Albus fingered the Elder Wand in his pockets. It looked like it would be a fight.

"Stop!" cried a voice in front of him. Somehow, Harry Potter had managed to get out of his cell, and was standing between the Dementors and them.

The lead Dementor hissed something at Harry.

"He says that the greasy one has injured his birthmate." Luna said, voice trembling slightly "He says they will not stop until they have revenge."

"Tell them that they will have their revenge." Harry said "Tell them to remember why the greasy one and his companions are here."

Luna hissed and rasped, sounding rather similar to a Parselmouth, only coarser. The lead Dementor paused, then replied.

"He says that they'll be watching this one especially carefully." Luna said. Albus breathed a sigh of relief as the Dementors started dispersing. The lead Dementor rasped something to three of them, and they leaned down and picked up the fallen Dementor, taking it with them.

"He's just told them to take Dot back to the nest." Luna explained "But you! Severus Snape! You should be ashamed of yourself! Insulting someone, then attacking them! And they've done nothing to provoke you!"

It was so unexpected that everyone stared at the blond girl for a few minutes.

"You'll learn better manners soon." Luna said.

"What do you mean?" Albus asked. Harry pointed a finger at them, and Albus felt the Elder Wand zoom out of his robes and into Harry's hand, along with Minerva and Severus' wands.

"You...you just..." he spluttered.

"Disarmed you? Yeah." Harry shrugged, and handed the wands over to the lead Dementor "Here you go, Yakko."

The Dementor, 'Yakko', examined the wands. When it reached Albus' wand, it hissed loudly and tucked it inside it's cloak. It took the other two wands and handed one to its fellow Dementor. Before Albus could do anything, they grasped the wands at either end with two claw like hands, and snapped them clean in half.

"No!" Minerva and Severus cried as one.

The smaller Dementor rasped something in a triumphant tone of voice.

"Makko says that now partial retribution has been made for the injury of their birthmate." Luna said.

"It snapped my wand!" Severus said in disbelief "_It snapped my wand!_"

"And they're going to do worse than that." Harry said. The lead Dementor gave another shriek, although this one was much quieter, and three Dementors appeared.

"Dumbles, Minnie, Snivels, meet Veato, Neato, and Sweetheart." Harry said "They're three of the Dementors with authority to arrest people. Actually, you're rather lucky that it's those three. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are much worse."

"Why are they here?" Albus asked, a dread feeling settling in his gut.

"They're here, because you're to be arrested, of course!" Harry said "You know, for the most brilliant wizard of your age, you really can be a dumba-"

"Language, Harry!" Hermione scolded.

"-sometimes." Harry finished.

"But why?" Minerva demanded "What crime have we committed?"

"I don't know." Harry said "What crime did I commit? What crime did anyone in here commit? We're here because the Ministry wants us in here. Haven't you wondered why the Ministry caved in so easily to your request to visit me? It's because they knew that once you were on Azkaban Island, you were vulnerable, away from any of your Order, with no students to use as an excuse or a shield. Think about it. You're the leader of the resistance group against the Dark Tosser. So long as you're there, he can't really win. But if he kills you, he makes a martyr out of you. But if you were, to say, be arrested for trying to help a convict escape, then you could easily be locked up and never heard from again."

"You'd have absolutely no defence, since that is precisely what you were trying to do." Hermione said "You were trying to get Harry out to help you. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but breaking someone out of Azkaban is illegal, is it not?"

"Definitely." Remus said "And so is any type of breaking out of Azkaban."

"Darn, that ruins my dance plans." Dean Thomas snapped his fingers disappointedly.

"The Ministry had orders sent to Azkaban for the Dementors to arrest you when you tried to leave. When Yakko heard, of course he told us." Harry said "And that's how we know about the 'top secret Ministry plan'."

"Why didn't you warn us, Potter?" Severus spat "Wanted to humiliate us, didn't you?"

"No, we just wanted to introduce you to what life's like here in Azkaban." Harry said "Because you see, you'll be here for the rest of your lives. Without you, the Order will fall, and the last bit of resistance will be gone. Well, maybe not the rest of your lives. The Muggles aren't blind. They've noticed something's going on. Eventually they'll catch on, and then Voldemort's as good as dead. I'm talking guns and grenades, tanks and planes, nuclear bombs. He doesn't stand a chance. But until then, welcome to Azkaban Resort. It's a far nicer place than the wizarding world right now. The Ministry's actually doing you a favour. Here, you'll be safe away from the war."

"That's so selfish!" Minerva exclaimed "I would never have expected it from you, a former Gryffindor."

"Maybe I am selfish." Harry said "Maybe we're all selfish. Maybe we're all cowards who're too afraid to do anything. But maybe, just maybe, we've already given all we have to a world that's rejected us. Maybe, the true sense of the name Gryffindor has become so twisted that all Gryffindors must automatically be brave heroes who always do what is right, and sacrifice everything for others. Maybe, it takes more bravery to let a corrupt and cancerous world learn a lesson the hard way rather than just save them and let all the bad stuff continue, because a lesson learned through pain and suffering and trial makes more impact than a lesson learned the easy way. Maybe we can't all be heroes. Maybe the most heroic thing any of us will do is face off against a spider. But maybe that's ok. Maybe you don't have to go defeat a Dark Lord to be a hero. Maybe you just have to do what you know is right. And I know that if I go out and help those people today, I might save them for a few years. But eventually the whole cycle will start again. There will be a new Dark Lord, who unleashes just as much terror. There will be nothing done to stop him, because nothing has changed. And maybe that time, the people won't have a hero. But if the people have to go out and fight him themselves, if they have to suffer just like I did, like we did, then they're going to know. They're going to know that this type of society is wrong, and they're going to know they have to change it. And it may be hard, watching them suffer, but the result is going to be something beautiful. No darkness can go on forever. Eventually, someone will stand up and say 'Hey! That's not right!' It's just that that someone won't be me."

Albus felt tears in his eyes as Harry spoke. In his speech, he had proved himself more of a man than Albus himself would ever be. This was not the boy that Lily and James had delightedly introduced to him when he was just a few days old. This was not the boy who played with bubbles from his father's wand. This was not the boy who arrived at Hogwarts, a timid eleven year old. This was not the boy who saved the Philosopher's Stone, who braved a basilisk to save a friend, who meddled with time to save innocents, who rebelled against a teacher. This was not the boy who saw his godfather die before his eyes, nor was this the boy who had the shadow of Voldemort hanging over him his entire life. This was a full grown man, who had seen and felt too much evil, but had come out of it stronger than ever.

As the Dementors led him away, Albus couldn't help but think that if only everyone was half the man that Harry Potter was, there would be far fewer problems in the world.

* * *

**Just making a few points clear here so that there's no confusion. Harry is not completely abandoning the wizarding world. He's still going to help the new Muggleborns every year, the ones who are innocent and know nothing. But the wizarding world will still have to fight this war by themselves. Harry will help, but he's not going to be the one to fight for them.**

**Also, I couldn't find a nice place to insert this into the story, so I'll write it here. The Dementors knew Sirius was innocent, but they couldn't communicate that to him. They also couldn't clamp down on their aura because he was surrounded by a bunch of Death Eaters who were guilty, and they deserved their punishment. They had no way of telling the Ministry anything, since no one knew their language, and the Dementors who tried to Kiss Sirius were not the good Dementors but the bad ones. Like it says in this story, only bad Dementors Kiss innocents.**

**Note! I have just remembered that it is Wakko, not Makko. Sorry for the mistake, WB! Brownie points to anyone who gets how Dementors are named! **

**The Marauders have commanded, and so it shall be. REVIEW!**


End file.
